Friday, March 23, 2007

My AMERICAblog Column

The Week That Was 3/22/07

Another week. More preposterousness to report.

So do you know that I am a homophobe? Really I am.

So said Corporal "man-whore" Matt Sanchez (or someone claiming to be him) recently in a "friendly" visit to my blog, after I had the audacity to join Jesus General in a little satire at Cpl. Sanchez' expense.

Here is what I had to say:
I agree with our humble savior the good General.

Matt Sanchez must get his own show on Fox! Maybe it could be combined with 24, where Sanchez sees how many Republicans he can, um, cavort with while the clock ticks in the background.

And at the end, a nuke can be set off in Los Angeles like in the actual 24, to scare anti-Christianites into submission, or just because then true believers can all get raptured while men with Matt's particular preference eternally suffer an unspeakable pain.

Like the kind of pain only an innocent citizen of Canada can suffer at the hands of the Syrian government due to Bush Administration rendition.

Just spitballin' here.
Now either Sanchez doesn't understand satire, or he's a bit cranky because the itching has been particularly vigorous in recent weeks. Here was his response:
Cpl. Matt Sanchez said...

Poor Schlechter feels he's been violated by the Bush administration so he's going to lash out at the man through me.

Is Schlechter a homophobe? I'm sure he would consider himself to be an "open minded" person, but if weren't for his double-standard, would he even be attacking me?
So let's break down what this pathetic pawn of the paranoid, pants-wetting Right has to say, as it is a useful exercise in understanding what goes on in their multi-lesioned cerebral cortexes.

First of all, this guy goes to Columbia? The name of my blog is, but he somehow turned off the spell-check in his skull and got "Schlechter?" This is only important in that, well, it shows the level of intellect of those CPAC chooses to honor with awards.

Ok, now to his charges. I am a "homophobe" (thank God for the Thesaurus function in Microsoft Word, or he may have had trouble with that one too). That's why I blog at AMERICAblog, of course, because I am secretly infiltrating this suberversive group of gays so I can whisk them away to Ted Haggard's Hetero Boot Camp or a Project Exodus near you.

Or maybe I was making a point, that the true homophobe is more likely a gay man who goes on Hannity to be called "a great American," gets his picture taken with Ann "faggot" Coulter or likes to hang his uniform and cap in a party whose appointed general thinks being gay is "immoral," whose leaders think being same-sex oriented caused 9/11.

Now, to his second charge, which I enjoyed on a purely sixth-grade level. That I feel like I have been "violated" by the Bush Administration, so I am "lashing out" at him because of it. If not for the loofah-factory sized Freudian slip, we wouldn't even bother.

Like Lynne Cheney when she's in the mood but catches a glimpse of Dick coming out of the shower.

Corporate... I mean Corporal Sanchez, you have chosen to earn a living by being violated, am I correct Rod Majors (which, by the way, your party would have you Abu Ghraibed for, while I am of the opinion that we live and let live)? Furthermore, you have chosen to be spiritually violated by associating with the likes of David Horowitz, a fat-assed, faux-intellectual (perhaps only surpassed by "The Surge Family Kagan"), brimming with self-hate and hyperventilating about Commies hiding underneath every bed (the 80s are over David--and you might want to pass that info on to your barber).

So, to conclude, Rod, you have found the perfect home in the GOP. They may all secretly hate you--as they do themselves--but there is no better place in the world to be both a man-whore and a corporate whore.


At 12:04 AM, Blogger Cliff Schecter said...

Hi Rod, anything else you want to share with us?

At 1:28 AM, Blogger Larry said...

This guy will probably get a gig on Fox News since they seem to take the losers in political life like Dick Morris.

Maybe he will co-host a show with Ann(Twiggy) Coulter.

Hate and Bait would be a hit for neo-con viewers. After all they love the pervert O'Reilly.

At 6:37 AM, Blogger Fernando said...

a fat-assed, faux-intellectual

Oh my.

Brilliant post.

At 7:59 AM, Blogger Sue Woo said...

Oh snap! I love it!

At 9:15 AM, Blogger Cliff Schecter said...

Thanks guys! Glad you liked it.

Hey Larry, I have seen you around here a bit, do you blog at lydia cornell?

You know if I weren't married to the most beautiful women in the world, I would have to make you introduce me to a close second :)

At 12:06 PM, Blogger Locutus said...

Locutus hasn't had a good laugh since Dubya coined the term "internets". And Cliff, welcome to Columbus. We could use somebody with balls around here.


At 12:35 PM, Blogger gimmeabreak said...

Its funny that Corporal Sanchez is really quite taken aback (no pun intended) by the negative response to his CPAC "outing". He must have been too busy with other endeavours to pay much attention to the political climate. He talks about you - hysterical! He has been slammed 100 times worse by the gay blogs.

I'm always so amused by the calls on the right that WE'RE homophobic and racist while they've cozying up to Sanchez, Foley and their leadership's staff (and afterwards bathing in Purell) while simultaenously trying to destroy them.

The Colonel needs to understand that when you sleep with your enemy (or hundreds of anonymous sex partners or both) you kinda open yourself up (again no pun intended) to some ridicule.

Perhaps he can find some solace over at Andy Sullivan's blog.

At 4:34 PM, Blogger S-Q said...

Great post! Love it too! ;)


Post a Comment

<< Home