My AMERICAblog Column

The Week That Was 3/22/07

Another week. More preposterousness to report.

So do you know that I am a homophobe? Really I am.

So said Corporal "man-whore" Matt Sanchez (or someone claiming to be him) recently in a "friendly" visit to my blog, after I had the audacity to join Jesus General in a little satire at Cpl. Sanchez' expense.

Here is what I had to say:

I agree with our humble savior the good General.

Matt Sanchez must get his own show on Fox! Maybe it could be combined with 24, where Sanchez sees how many Republicans he can, um, cavort with while the clock ticks in the background.

And at the end, a nuke can be set off in Los Angeles like in the actual 24, to scare anti-Christianites into submission, or just because then true believers can all get raptured while men with Matt's particular preference eternally suffer an unspeakable pain.

Like the kind of pain only an innocent citizen of Canada can suffer at the hands of the Syrian government due to Bush Administration rendition.

Just spitballin' here.

Now either Sanchez doesn't understand satire, or he's a bit cranky because the itching has been particularly vigorous in recent weeks. Here was his response:

Cpl. Matt Sanchez said...

Poor Schlechter feels he's been violated by the Bush administration so he's going to lash out at the man through me.

Is Schlechter a homophobe? I'm sure he would consider himself to be an "open minded" person, but if weren't for his double-standard, would he even be attacking me?

So let's break down what this pathetic pawn of the paranoid, pants-wetting Right has to say, as it is a useful exercise in understanding what goes on in their multi-lesioned cerebral cortexes.

First of all, this guy goes to Columbia? The name of my blog is cliffschecter.com, but he somehow turned off the spell-check in his skull and got "Schlechter?" This is only important in that, well, it shows the level of intellect of those CPAC chooses to honor with awards.

Ok, now to his charges. I am a "homophobe" (thank God for the Thesaurus function in Microsoft Word, or he may have had trouble with that one too). That's why I blog at AMERICAblog, of course, because I am secretly infiltrating this suberversive group of gays so I can whisk them away to Ted Haggard's Hetero Boot Camp or a Project Exodus near you.

Or maybe I was making a point, that the true homophobe is more likely a gay man who goes on Hannity to be called "a great American," gets his picture taken with Ann "faggot" Coulter or likes to hang his uniform and cap in a party whose appointed general thinks being gay is "immoral," whose leaders think being same-sex oriented caused 9/11.

Now, to his second charge, which I enjoyed on a purely sixth-grade level. That I feel like I have been "violated" by the Bush Administration, so I am "lashing out" at him because of it. If not for the loofah-factory sized Freudian slip, we wouldn't even bother.

Like Lynne Cheney when she's in the mood but catches a glimpse of Dick coming out of the shower.

Corporate... I mean Corporal Sanchez, you have chosen to earn a living by being violated, am I correct Rod Majors (which, by the way, your party would have you Abu Ghraibed for, while I am of the opinion that we live and let live)? Furthermore, you have chosen to be spiritually violated by associating with the likes of David Horowitz, a fat-assed, faux-intellectual (perhaps only surpassed by "The Surge Family Kagan"), brimming with self-hate and hyperventilating about Commies hiding underneath every bed (the 80s are over David--and you might want to pass that info on to your barber).

So, to conclude, Rod, you have found the perfect home in the GOP. They may all secretly hate you--as they do themselves--but there is no better place in the world to be both a man-whore and a corporate whore.