Tuesday, July 17, 2007




Oh, there aren't enough LOL's, ROFLMAO's or snorts to describe how hard I'm laughing right now.

Jul. 17, 2007 19:05
Wal-Mart to test Bible action figures in US
By ASSOCIATED PRESS


Wal-Mart said Tuesday it will test sales in some stores of biblical action figures whose makers say they are aimed at Christian parents who prefer their children play with Samson, David or Noah rather than with a comic book character or Bratz doll.

Wal-Mart Stores Inc. spokeswoman Melissa O'Brien said the toys made by One2believe, a Valencia, California, company, will be offered in 425 of Wal-Mart's 3,376 discount stores...

(snip)

One2believe Chief Executive David Socha said his products were part of a "battle for the toy box" with dolls and figures that he said carry negative messages.

"If you're very religious, it's a battle for your children's minds and what they're playing with and pretending. There are remakes out there of Satan and evil things," Socha said.


A "Battle for the Toy Box"? Which would be part of the "Surge Against Satan" in the "War On Christmas"?

Oh hooooooeey, these people are hysterical.

53 Comments:

At 1:14 PM, Blogger Paddy said...

hahahaha

 
At 1:22 PM, Blogger atheist next door said...

Yes, Biblical violence is sooooo much better for your child's mind.

 
At 2:14 PM, Blogger Steaming Pile said...

Oh, do I get the Samson action figure with the Philistine cirumcising Kung-Fu grip (TM)?

 
At 2:21 PM, Blogger Steaming Pile said...

Or was that King David who circumcized the Philistines? I get these Old Testament dudes all mixed up. I'd rather get the Noah And Sons wine party playset anyhow.

 
At 2:26 PM, Blogger Ashen Shard said...

How about some Buddhist action figures? Or maybe even Confucian? Oh wait, those would be educational and nonviolent ... what's the fun in that?

 
At 2:33 PM, Blogger addy said...

Come on, isn't there a tiny part of you that wants a fighting Jesus action figure for their desktop? It's one of those, " I know I shouldn't but....." things for me. But then, we have star wars, star trek, Harry Potter, Teen Titans action figures. In our house we lack restraint when it comes to toys.

 
At 2:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Right on, addy -- there's going to be some holy butthole surfing going on in cubicles across the nation.

 
At 7:10 PM, Blogger Torrid said...

I hope this turns out better than their earlier "People of Sodom and Gomorrah" line of toys. Every time I turned the figures around to look back at the city, they turned into piles of salt. :(

 
At 7:34 PM, Blogger mcc said...

"Biblical Violence" is also a really good song by Hella.

 
At 11:58 PM, Anonymous just me said...

cash and converts.
a big double whammy from the big JC.
spreading love, peace, and understanding through plastic idols like seeds in the fertile minds of future monsters. lets tear this planet up ..i'm getting impatient!

 
At 12:04 AM, Anonymous Axis of Medieval said...

I want to know if they will be anatomically correct?

I mean, will the Virgin Mary still be intact after delivering the baby Jesus?

Will the fully grown Jesus come with a cross and a crown of thorns or will you have to buy an accessory package, complete with whip marks and fake blood?

Will Judas come with 30 pieces of silver and a rope?

Will the lesser known heros of the Bible be collector items? Will the focus be on the New or Old Testement?

Inquiring minds want to know.

 
At 12:11 AM, Blogger Rob said...

the King of Kitsch, Archie McPhee - www.mcphee.com - has been offering jesus action figures, boxing nuns, nodders, jesus air fresheners, moses action figures and more for many years.
And the don't prop up only the christian kitsch, but pay homage to all the religions, plus monkeys and plastic bacon

 
At 12:17 AM, Blogger lostnacfgop said...

"Remakes of Satan out there"?

You mean like that talking Ann Coulter doll my sister sent me for last year's birthday?
Guess not . . .

 
At 12:19 AM, Anonymous Wretched Refuse said...

Buy all of them, and then scalp them on E-Bay. Fuck the Christofascists.

 
At 12:24 AM, Blogger Connecticut Man 1 said...

Is it just me or are the toymakers bigots? Those action figures look kind of TOO WHITE to have been any of the "real" characters in that man-made Bible thingy.

Unless those two pictured are not from their set of Biblical Christian Jihad heroes?

 
At 12:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's like something that Rod and Todd Flanders would play with.

 
At 12:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's like something that Rod and Todd Flanders would play with.

 
At 12:42 AM, Anonymous Squiddy said...

I think the "King Solomon with Baby-Cleaving Action" is gonna sell like hotcakes.

 
At 12:57 AM, Anonymous Jennifer said...

This is awesome...now I'll have some friends for my Buddy Christ!!! (I really have one of these, you know.)

 
At 1:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Oh, do I get the Samson action figure with the Philistine cirumcising Kung-Fu grip"

That same Kung-Fu grip is where we get the word 'testament':

http://www.everything2.com/index.pl?node_id=1109056

-----

"Right on, addy -- there's going to be some holy butthole surfing going on in cubicles across the nation."

Too late, it's already happening:

http://www.divine-interventions.com/baby.php

-----

"Will the fully grown Jesus come with a cross and a crown of thorns or will you have to buy an accessory package, complete with whip marks and fake blood?"

You can buy the nails here:

http://www.sharethepassionofthechrist.com/jewelry.asp#nail

Where to buy the whips, etc. is left as an exercise for the reader.

 
At 1:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Disturbingly this was done about 5 years ago as a joke:
http://www.jesuschristsuperstore.net/
but you could get Dalai Lama figures there.

 
At 1:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That pose in the picture reminds me of Peter Graves in Airplane:

"Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?"

 
At 2:24 AM, Blogger elendil said...

Awesome! I hope they have a Moses conquers the Midianites set, complete with a few thousand girls who've never "known" a man for Moses' and his soldiers to rape - that's the kinda values I want to instill in my kids. Yay for our Judeo-Christian moral heritage!

(Oh, you don't believe me? See Numbers 31:17-18 and Deut 21:10-14, and remember, "you have 'humbled' her" or "have 'dishonored' her" is our polite English translation of the word 'anah', which is a Hebrew euphemism for rape. Scholarly-type article about that here.)

 
At 2:28 AM, Blogger elendil said...

... and yes, God said it was a-okay - he dictated the book of Deut after all. Yay God!

 
At 2:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

thank you for reminding me why church people freak me out.

 
At 3:40 AM, Anonymous Marc said...

Well, better Noah than Bratz, I guess. Still horribly wrong, particularly if you're going Old Testament, but I don't personally find it as bad as the concept of toys that appear to try and sell girls the image of being materialistic, hypersexualized, and shallow as what to aspire to. At least Barbie had careers now and then. Giving boys little toy armies to ingrain "war is fun" in their young psyches isn't any better.

Then again, I guess playing "curing lepers" is somewhat less exciting than GI Joe.

 
At 4:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

We can laugh at this and shake our heads again at the silly fundamentalists, but the irony is that the actual target market for these products are the people reading this blog.

trip_wonders

 
At 5:02 AM, Blogger Jim said...

This would be really funny if it wasn't so sad. The Judeo-Christian jihadists are just as big a Terrorist threat as any Muslim faction. Like Hitler, and others before him, they are targeting YOUR children for their army. Just what the world needs today, more hate mongering toys. I wonder if the Jesus figure will be a Uniter or a Smiter?

 
At 6:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Want to come over to my house, Billy. We're going to kill our neighbor and rape his wife and daughter. We might even have a stoning. I just love those stonings,don't you? Praise Jezzus!

 
At 7:08 AM, Blogger Øyvind said...

Superheroes/villains and religous/mythological heroes/villains have everything in common actually. The step is not too far. Seems that what sells now is what sold in old times as well.

 
At 8:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Will they have Lot and his seductive daughters? 'Cause biblical incest is so hot.

 
At 8:30 AM, Blogger Julie in VT said...

All I can say is... okilidoikily

 
At 8:43 AM, Blogger merlallen said...

Where there Christians in the Old Testament?
I don't remember any.
I wonder if the kids will be blowing them up with firecrackers and setting them on fire the way I used to with my GI Joes.

 
At 8:48 AM, Blogger Heraldblog said...

Stigmata sold separately.

 
At 8:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, I've created a whole line of Wiccan action figures. I'm going to approach Wal-Mart about placing them in their stores, ya know, for the Wiccan parents who don't want their kids playig with creepy Jeebus figures... And is it just me or are those two Christian action figures shown in the pic kinda hot? *chuckle*
I wonder how many young gay men will get these dolls from their parents and say, "Mmmm, hot!"
*I-ROW-KNEE*

 
At 8:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, I've created a whole line of Wiccan action figures. I'm going to approach Wal-Mart about placing them in their stores, ya know, for the Wiccan parents who don't want their kids playig with creepy Jeebus figures... And is it just me or are those two Christian action figures shown in the pic kinda hot? *chuckle*
I wonder how many young gay men will get these dolls from their parents and say, "Mmmm, hot!"
*I-ROW-KNEE*

 
At 9:10 AM, Blogger Mark said...

And if you have a few toy dinosaurs around, you can have your toy Noahs and Enochs riding them, just like the Creation Museum shows they did.

 
At 9:13 AM, Blogger Heraldblog said...

Playing and pretending are important to any child's develop,ent, and while I'm not crazy about the crap that passes for children' toys these days, I am certain that Biblical action toys have the same potential crapiness built in. The key to childhood development is imagination: through plays, children imagine ways to adapt to the real world in all its permutations.

Imaginative play teaches children the skills they will need to develop into functioning, productive adults, including literacy, mathematical reasoning, creativity and social skills. Those social skills include the ability to share, negotiate, compromise, make and revise rules, and adapt the perspective of others.

Biblical action figures by themselves are not bad, unless combined with a dogmatic interpretation of the owners manual, The Bible. In fact, dogma of any type is anathema to imagination. Let's face it - the real world is a non-dogmatic, random, imaginative, disheveled, scary place. If everybody did exactly what the Bible tells them to do, think about how much less frightening it would be. This is the dream of Biblical literalists - a return to a world that never existed, and most likely never will, where uncertainty is vanquished like the Philistines, and the rule of law is indistinguishable from the word of God.

Talk about imaginative play.

 
At 9:29 AM, Anonymous Dan said...

I'd like a Jesus with a light saber. With the hood of his robe up. Very Obi Wan.
"Die, you heathen mother fucker!"

 
At 10:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a post. And readers' comments have my sides splitting! LOL!

Cliff, good one!

Buck,
Blue Herald

 
At 11:14 AM, Anonymous Kelley said...

Ooh, ooh, can I get the "Lot handing over his virgin daughters to a ravenous mob to protect total strangers" doll"?

Yup, just what wingnut needs to reinforce the patriarchy.

 
At 11:58 AM, Blogger Gravity said...

Now wait, does Elisha come with the bears, or do I have to buy the bears separate like I do the Mauled Children?

 
At 12:25 PM, Anonymous briebrie said...

I believe this is the same company that came out a few years ago with the white Mary and Jesus dolls. Because God forbid they look Middle Eastern. That would really confuse the fundie kiddies.

 
At 2:52 PM, Blogger ej said...

Oh, there is A LOT of material to draw from in the "Holy Book."

Numbers 21:27-35 God helped Moses destroy “…the men, the women, and the little ones.”
Numbers 31:17-18 Commands Moses to kill all the Medianite people and the virgins be saved for later raping by Moses’ soldiers.
Deuteronomy 3:3-7 God ordered Moses’ army to
“utterly destroy” 60 cities, killing all the women and children within!

Wait till we get to the canabalism, child abuse, and all the wonderful stuff about slavery and dominating women.

 
At 4:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't forget dashing infants against rocks (one of the Psalms, IIRC).

Parts of the OT are a catalog of genocide. In theory, Christian values come from the NT, which are based on particular aspects and parts of the OT. Of course fundies don't make that distinction. They try to swallow the books whole-- and fail, because it's impossible. In practice, they just cherry pick whatever supports capital's (a.k.a. Mammon's) best advantage, which is usually the current GOP line, but not always.

 
At 8:03 PM, Anonymous stus said...

We've seen small companies do Jesus action figures before -- but never with a major brick retailer distributing them.

And then there was the Confederate Leaders and Generals teddy bears...

 
At 12:14 PM, Blogger Metro said...

I realize I'm waaaay too late to this party but I had to ask: Will there be an inflatable life-sized figure of Mary Magdalen?

Just wondering. No special reason.

 
At 12:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sure the Noah action figure will be a big splash in the hyper-competitive Rubber-Duckie market.

 
At 1:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am ecstatic that someone actually cares about what goes into the minds of tomorrows kids!!! Right on!!!! Giving kids meaningful role-models from scripture and encouraging role-playing is AWESOME! The fools that criticize such marvelous creations, funny or not, are just simply fools. I bet Jesus played with wooden figures of the old testament greats that Joseph carved for Him. Jesus was a real boy who played for fun, not unlike any other little boy. The difference was that He was the Messiah. Great Job!!! Keep the great toy box replacements coming!!!!

 
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