Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Class is in session. Today we are covering "Techniques Used in Congressional Hearings":
  1. Denying knowledge of proper grammar may be used as an excuse for avoiding honest answers to probing questions. Please see Paddy's insightful post below.
  2. Disregard Number 1 if you immediately contradict yourself by stating your extensive knowledge of grammar, using terminology that makes your questioner nauseous.
  3. When in doubt, use race and gender to distract from the subject at hand.
  4. Always run out the time clock to avoid answering truthfully and fully.
  5. Employ, to the best of your ability, pitiful heart-rending, wounded facial expressions directed toward the side of the room most sympathetic to your case.
  6. Feign innocence in both demeanor and verbal responses, such as, "Oh! Was I doing that? I was just trying to answer the question."
  7. Answer all questions, except the ones that have been asked.
  8. Continue to waste time.
  9. Never, under any circumstances, answer "yes" or "no" to a yes or no question.
  10. Persist in claims that you are not an expert, therefore making it impossible to render an opinion about anything.
  11. Make weak attempts at cute humor, using phrases like, "I was the gotchee". Wink afterwards to telegraph the joke.
  12. Look smug when your sympathizers ask softball questions.
  13. Feel adored when your sympathizers fawn over you. Smile gratefully.
  14. Look triumphant when your sympathizers instruct you to be plucky and tough and to stand up to the truthseekers meanies who are challenging you.
  15. Reiterate, ad nauseum, how the opposing side is out to get you. Immediately revert to wounded facial expression.
  16. Overstate your sainthood.
  17. Continue to run out the time clock.
  18. Repeat grammar tactic.
  19. Exhibit contrived indignance. Repeat.
  20. Employ annoying metaphors through insincere smiles.
  21. Accuse the accusers.
  22. Feign humility and contrition while communicating coolness and calculation.
  23. When more than 5 eye witnesses quote you word for word, dismiss it as minutiae.
  24. Insist that cumulative testimony against you is less credible than one denial.
  25. Run out the time clock.
  26. Continue to condemn white, male former presidents.
  27. If accomplishments outnumber one egregiously illegal act, then you're guilt free.
CONCLUSION: THE KEY TO HAVING SUCCESSFUL, PRODUCTIVE HEARINGS IS THIS: SIMPLY----Sorry, my time has expired. Class dismissed.

3 Comments:

At 3:38 PM, Blogger GottaLaff said...

Today's hearing taught me that she's a jerk.

 
At 4:47 PM, Blogger Fernando said...

I wonder?

How was she a qualified employee of the justice department.

Can't remember, can't see, can't hear anything, doesn't understand plain english.

I don't get it? Does the GSA get a tax break or incentive for hiring the mentally handicapped?

 
At 4:56 PM, Blogger GottaLaff said...

I see you have not only taken my class, but you've graduated, gone to grad school, are smarter than the teacher, and are now the acting professor.

 

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