Two Morally Blind Republican Mice

As we reach this last weekend before the election, Democrats have reason to be sanguine, while Republicans resemble the Australians in the classic movie On The Beach.

But we've all seen this particular movie before, so it would be wise not to get overconfident when taking on a party whose average candidate has the scruples of a member of the Gambino family. In that spirit, I would like to discuss two Senate races, each of which could go either way on Tuesday and are crucial because of how dangerous the Republican incumbents are to the future health of this republic.

These two races, where the foibles of the Republicans have largely gone under the radar, are those of incumbent Republican lunatics Jon Kyl of Arizona and Jim Talent of Missouri. These are men who lie like Angelina Jolie adopts children. They both receive failing grades on middle class issues from the Drum Major Institute for Public Policy. And both are now in dead-heat races with Democratic challengers.

In the case of Senator Kyl, I have it information from an insider that internal polls taken by his Democratic challenger Jim Pederson, show the race down to a 3-4 point Kyl lead. With a civi war in former Congressman Jim Kolbe's district, where the retiring Republican Congressman has refused to endorse the extremist GOPer running for his seat, a brewing scandal in another seat held by Republican shady-land-dealer Rick Renzi and Congressman J.D. Hayworth offering praise for conspiratorial anti-Semitic theories espoused by Henry Ford, which he now applies to his anti-immigrant zeal, things aren't so good for the Arizona GOP. Additionally, a very popular Democrat, Janet Napolitano, is running for reelection as the state's top executive.

So there is reason to believe Democrats will have a turnout advantage (and in early voting Pederson leads by 4 points). But here is anything you can do to help defeat the maniac Kyl, you should.

Let's start with the fact that when President Bush was up for reelection in 2004, Kyl voted with him 100% of the time. Yes, you read that right, 100%. A rhesus monkey would have been more pensive as a US Senator. Then there is Kyl's blatant dishonesty, zest for finding ways to send American troops into harm's way, abandonment of senior citizens at the behest of Big Pharmaceuticals and a civil rights record that matches George Allen's.

Kyl is already infamous for the fact that he literally inserted a debate THAT NEVER OCCURRED into the Congressional Record to try and unduly influence the Supreme Court decision on the Hamdan case. This was done to help his 100% friend President Bush of course. He has also voted to roll back laws protecting Medicare patients against overcharging by physicians. Read that again for a second.

Kyl proposed has proposed legislation allowing doctors to refuse to treat Medicare patients. When in Congress he was one of only 8 Congressman in a chamber of 435 to vote against Meals on Wheels for the elderly. He also strongly opposes stem cell research. Yeah, he's a swell guy.

Kyl opposed the creation of a Martin Luther King Jr. holiday in Arizona. And when people wondered whether it would hurt tourism in Arizona due to boycotts, his response was, "Let them go someplace else. . . . We've got much too nice a place to worry about attracting people to the state." He has accused Native Americans of being too "dependent" on the government (this from a preppy jackass who works maybe 4 months out of the year, earns a six-figure tax-supported salary and gets guaranteed government healthcare).

Finally there is war. Kyl is for it. Anywhere. Anytime.

He still says he would vote the same way on Iraq, without weapons of mass destruction anywhere but inside Rick Santorum's tortured cerebrum and no connection to Al Qaeda (although moronic Congresswoman Anne Northup still thinks there is). In fact, with Joe Lieberman, he was responsible for resurrecting the Committee on the Present Danger, a Cold War propaganda organization that in this case was constantly calling for war in Iraq. As he now hopes for war in Iran, presumably to be fought with a clone army of some sort.

He doesn't like oversight much when it comes to war, however. In fact, Kyl was one of 19 senators in 2005 to vote against forcing the president submit a report to Congress every three months on U.S. policy and operations in Iraq. Because really, Congress doesn't want overstep its bounds and get involved in executive branch oversight.

Kyl doesn't like protecting troops either. He opposed the production of Humvees with stronger armor to help protect soldiers from roadside bombs. And he doesn't care much about protecting you. In 1997, Kyl opposed a treaty banning the use of chemical weapons. Which if we ever used would never, say, be used as retaliation against us.

Now do you understand why this lunatic needs to be to be sipping drinks with umbrellas with the local chapter of the Conservative Citizens Council and not eating in the Senate cafeteria?

Jim Talent is another special kind of man. He is against stem cell research, opposing a state ballot initiative in favor of it, after he was for it, after he was against it, and before he decided to have good buddy and fellow native Missourian Rush Limbaugh attack victims of Parkinson's Disease to hide his position (he would have criminalized it in a bill he co-sponsored with fellow nut Senator Brownback in 2005).

Maybe this issue, which is causing a civil war in Missouri's GOP, and Talent's waffling, are why Talent is currently behind State Auditor Claire McCaskill in polls, because she actually can spell the word principle (but this one is still way too close to call).

Talent views himself as independent, because he voted with President Bush only 94% of the time over four years. Which means he probably doesn't ask Bush for permission to use the head.

The law is also malleable to the Missouri Senator, who boosted a start-up company in Missouri, helping it to raise capital through the sale of unregistered securities. Um, that would be illegal senator (but what's a little Culture of Corruption between Republicans?).

Do you have a position on that? Nah, taking a position on something would break with protocol wouldn't it?

Talent has also consistently voted against the interests of working Americans, opposing raises in the minimum wage while supporting hikes in his own pay. Now he refuses to take a position on a state ballot initiative dealing with raising the minimum wage because that would be just a downright senatorial thing to do. Oh, and Talent just loves outsourcing Missouri jobs.

When it comes to the War in Iraq he has been a Bush appendage. He is cool with Rumsfeld staying on, because he has done such a bang up job. But I guess when you're Jim Talent, and you predicted a "two month war" in Iraq, and you're such a loon that you said there was a "stable environment" in Iraq after a 2004 trip there, one can't really expect you to present much in the way of judgment. Or maybe it has something to do with the fact that he chose to skip 2/3 of Armed Service Committee hearings, so he didn't really have to pay much attention to Iraq at all.

I guess if Bush ever loses Barney, we know that in Missouri he can find his next obedient puppy.

These two dishonorable, self-interested, intellectual doorknobs are close to being returned to the US Senate. Whether you can make phone calls, volunteer on the ground or send a few last minute bucks to their opponents (that would be, once again, Jim Pederson and Claire McCaskill), let's all be confident we did whatever we could to stop them in their tracks.