My weekly Americablog Piece:
The Week That Was 10/27/06
Another week. More preposterousness to report.
Well I thought I would run an informal competition this week. As we all know, it was rather amusing of Rush Limbaugh to accuse anyone of voluntarily stopping self-treatment, for there is a word for four buckets of extra-crispy KFC drumsticks topped off with mushy lard, compressed Viagra and a Hillbilly-Heroin twist in Rush’s house.
Yet, it is also rather amusing in that he might as well have been talking about the paranoid, conspiracy-laden, bigoted troupe of resentful belly-picking white men with small penises that make up the core of his party. Sadly they have all been off their meds for the better part of four decades now. And we have all been the worse for it.
Particularly Sarah Evans. Although her husband’s hundreds of pictures on his PC of himself turned on could be a big seller at next year’s first annual Charlie Crist picnic down in Florida.
But I digress. The competition I was thinking of was this. Which region of country’s Republican Party has the largest sheer number of criminals, lunatics, self-haters and those for whom a lobotomy would send their IQ soaring straight up like J.D. Hayworth’s arm when he hears German?
Well speaking of old goosestepping J.D., I nominate the West. I mean, look at this collection of obtuse, CEO-slurping, AntiSocial-Personality-Disorder-suffering, atavistic cretins.
Representative Barbara Cubin of Wyoming likes to pummel the disabled. Congressional candidate Bill Sali of Idaho...well here’s what retiring Idaho House Speaker Bruce Newcomb, a Republican, was quoted saying about him, "That idiot (Sali) is just an absolute idiot. He doesn’t have one ounce of empathy in his whole fricking body. And you can put that in the paper." That’s one of the nicer things Idaho Republicans have said about a guy who's more offensive than Denny Hastert's man-boobs.
Congressmen Doolittle (and his wife) and Pombo of California just love Jack Abramoff. Love, love, love him. You know, what’s a little forced abortion in the Marianas between friends?
Rep. Lewis, also of California is under federal investigation for some things discovered in the Randall “Duke” Cunningham case and for having a record in public service as ludicrous as his namesake’s comedy.
Nevada gives us Jim Gibbons for Governor, who likes to hide illegal-immigrant nannies in his basement and have his wife perjure herself when discussing it (this from a man who wants The Great Wall of China imported to the Mexican Border, because it worked so well with Genghis). He also had an accident in a parking lot, where he claims he tripped and somehow a woman’s breast just up and hopped into his hand.
Funny, when you spend a night propositioning a particular woman over 100 proof liquid refreshments and getting rejected, the young woman involved might describe it a different way.
Other ways of describing this episode might be “another day in the life of Don Sherwood” or "the only way Rush got any until he was famous."
Continuing our hit parade: Representative Porter of Nevada likes to make shakedown calls from his federal office, while Representative Renzi of Arizona likes shady land deals that start federal investigations into his activities.
And let’s not forget that lunatic running to hold his Senate seat, Jon Kyl. He has quite a list of greatest hits, which doesn't even include having Brit Hume's hairdo.
Here’s Kyl on Native Americans: "I'm concerned that too many Indian people -- and I will not characterize where they come from -- talk about trust and responsibility when they really mean, deep in their heart, having someone take care of them."
I totally understand. I’m concerned that too many pale-faced preppy corporate-humping jackwads, like let’s say Jon Kyl, expect the government to take care of them, from their healthcare to their yearly pay raises, while they screw the rest of us like we’re a prostitute at a Republican poker party at The Watergate.
Sadly I must run, but next week we’ll get to Colorado, Alaska, Montana and some other Californians, as I need thousands of words to discuss a throng of criminals that would make Pablo Escobar envious: The Republican Party.
(See my new piece on how populism can rebuild a Democratic majority in In These Times. My weekly Republican Sexcapades segment on The Young Turks on Air America this week)