I have been forgetting to repost my satirical Americablog columns here, among many other things that have slipped my mind lately...so if you missed it, enjoy (or don't, we believe in free choice here):
The Week That Was 6/8/07
Another week. More preposterousness to report.
Republican debates turn up so many interesting factoids. For example did you know that God created the Heavens and Earth? Amazing. The first 25 times they say that, it is still hard to digest, but by the 26th time, I felt I understood where they were coming from. I was still left pondering a few small items, however...
For example, did Rudy find God between his first and second wife, between his second and third wife, or did he find God while he was ignoring requests to make police and fire personnel radios compatible pre-9/11? You know, just to have an accurate chronology of ecclesiastical events. I'm sure, however, that God respects Senator McCain for the fact that he wants us to "win" in Iraq, because using the terminology sixth graders do to resolve a kickball game seems like the kind of thing God would be more interested in than, say, American soldiers and civilians in Iraq living to see their next birthday.
And it's also good to know that the same God who created us would want to torture our fellow human beings with no proof that they've done a thing wrong, and he'd especially want us to preemptively nuke Iran (though perhaps not on a Friday or Sunday, since we all know that Wednesdays are the traditional scripture day for nuking millions of innocents). Finally, it is always good to have God's wisdom available, as God is surely the only being who can figure out what side Mitt Romney might come down on any particular issue on any given day (though WHICH God Romney is speaking for on a given day is hardly a given).
So what does being a Republican mean? Well once again here's what I have learned, give or take:
1) It means you believe in the rule of law. Illegal immigrants cannot just come here illegally! They have to wait their turn in line like everyone else, or get the hell out since they're all lawbreakers anyway. We are a nation of laws, after all, and the law must be respected! Oh yeah, and pardon Scooter Libby.
2) For FOXNews bossman Roger Ailes it means his organization is comparable to Al Qaeda. Maybe bin Laden will be on FOXNews Sunday soon. He could join the FOX All Stars. I mean let's face it, he really couldn't be any dumber than Brit Hume, and he and Brit could have a contest to see who's the bigger advocate of US troops remaining in Iraq (me, no ME!).
3) It means that because of certain "behaviors," like let's say getting the deep... deep.... deep tissue massage from hookers, shooting the front nine at St. Andews with Jack Abramoff and taking bribes from defense contractors, you're left to hope for one thing to regain power: Another 9/11.
They're just so cute when they wish for Americans to die for political gain, aren't they?
4) It means that when a woman is arrested for making faces at a dog, you need to ask yourself, why hasn't Rick Santorum been arrested yet? And what happens if your spouse is a dog? Just in case, better double-bolt the door, Secretary Chao.
5) Finally, it means if you're running the new Creationist museum and you need an actor to play Adam in a film on Eden... you might not want to pick a guy who enjoys abominating more than Ron Jeremy on E, Mark Foley on a page, or Gary Bauer on a female campaign aide with whom he did nothing wrong and that's why we've never heard from him again (come on, does anyone really think Bauer was fooling around with a woman?). Or almost as much as Fred Thompson.
For more of this mindless banter, go to the usual spot, cliffschecter.com