Unlikely Stories from Real Headlines
Nation Has 93 Million Wangs Although significant shrinkage was predicted, according to hard census numbers the male population outnumbers the female population and continues to grow.Clinton Beats Obama For Spielberg Endorsement She immediately stopped beating him when a recoiling Spielberg agreed to support her on the spot. Said Spielberg, "When they said she was a fighter, I never realized..." Miraculously, Obama had no serious injuries. Neither camp will confirm or deny the rumor that Mr. Obama challenged her to a pre-primary arm-wrestlingmatch.Insurgents promise not to attack Americans Similarly, Bush promises to learn English as a second language. Cheney promises to cooperate fully with all investigations. Giuliani promises to stop being a shameless opportunist with an outsized ego. Romney promises to be a man of political principles. John McCain promises to show up for senate votes and support the end of the occupation. Joe Lieberman promises to avoid war with Iran at any cost. Fred Thompson promises to contain his man-crush on Scooter Libby.Pentagon Offers Zany Excuse for IED Foul-up Okay, funny story. Tell me if you've heard it before. That whole armored vehicle flub-up? You know, the one where we didn't properly protect soldiers from getting blown to smithereens? Haha!! Okay, no, stay with me here...see, we --are ya with me?--we designed it ALLLL WRONG! Zing! Hiyooooo! Our bad! And we've been reeeeeally slow about, what's it called? Oh yeah, correcting the problem! Ha!! Ohboy! Hooheheehahahaha::deep breath::haahahaaaa! What a wacky, zany F.U.B.A.R., right? Go figure! BadaBING! Zowee! We're here all week.Libby 'wants what Martha Stewart got' Scooter Libby's sudden inexplicable passion for Prada pumps and retro barbecue aprons has President Bush concerned. "I was thinkin' about a pardon for Scooty-Scoot, but now I'm not so sure," lamented the president. Said Ted Wells, Libby's attorney, "He raised my eyebrows when he insisted on preparing me a duck breast confit and semolina cake with dried apricots. But it was the tissue paper rose bouquet that convinced me he might very well be better off in isolation. I've rescinded our request for a pardon."