MONICA'S BIG DAY

The following is a completely accurate account, verbatim, of the congressional investigation of the firing of U.S. Attorneys:

(Key: M= Monica, D= Democrat, R= Republican)

M: I'mMonicaGoodlingcallmeMonicaeventhoughit'sreallycoolthatIhaveGOODinmylastnameIsn'tthatcool?Ilikethismicrophone!Ithasbuttons!Youalllooksoniceandclean!Ismyoutfitokay?When'slunch?

D: You talk really fast, dear.

M: Thank you soooooooooooo much! Jesus loves you. Did I mention I graduated cum laude? Ow--mah--gahd! This room is, like, sooo big! Awesome plasma screen! Hieeee, CSPAN!! Hi photo guys! Do I look okay?

Chair: Order! Order! Photographers, for the last time, get your butts outta here! We can't see Ms. Goodling. Someone get her a booster seat.

M: Call me Monica, 'kay? 'Kay. 'Kay? 'Kay. I mean, like, "Ms." makes me sound...old. Ew.

D: You committed a crime, Monica.

M: Is that bad? I mean, like, I just broke a rule.

R: And you didn't mean to.

M: I know. Like, serious.

R: We believe you, Precious.

D: It's a law. You broke a law. It's called massive election fraud. You politicized the hiring and firing of U.S. Attorneys.

R: There, there, Monica. We know how hard it is for you to sit in that awful chair at such a big table, answering all of these questions. Uncle Republican will protect you and care for you and give you lots and lots of compliments. You are so cute! Who does your hair?

M: Did my voice just squeak? OMG, is my voice too high? Uncle Republican, do I sound okay?

R: Adorable, Cupcake. Your voice couldn't be more endearing if it belonged to Jenna Bush herself.

M: Ooo! Ooo! Call on me now! I know how to spell Issa! I-S-S-A!

R: Good job! You are a special young lady!

M: Wanna know how you can tell I'm honest? I graduated from Regent! And we were all rilly, rilly religioius and stuff. And everyone who goes there is good and kind and cares about people and junk. There's, like, 150 more of us from Regent who got hired besides me. ::counts on fingers:: Wow, that's a lot. Regent pretty much sucks as a law school, but we're all rilly nice. How's my hair?

R: You can't question a Christian grad from Regent. It's just not...Christian. Besides, she's so cute and fun and friendly and Regent is a friendly school. John Harvard was a young minister. See? Harvard's just like Regent! The whole country is just like Regent. We're all Christians now! Let's pray.

D: What did Karl Rove ever say to you, ever, in your whole life, ever?

M: I forgot. I mean, we used to pass notes and stuff. And,like, if he'd ever learn to text message, it would be sooo cool, cuz, like, texting rocks. And then Karl and I could be, like, bff!!! But, okay, yeah, I forgot.

R: You anti-Christian guys on the other side of the aisle forget stuff, too! And we hate you.

M: Me too! Psyche!!! Not rilly!! I like EVERYone cuz I have good values and junk.

R: Bill Clinton did bad, bad things, Monica. Can you say, "Bill Clinton is a bad man"?

M: Will you be my Grampa?

D: Tell us about Tim Griffin.

M: He's HOT. And, like, he totally slipped in cuz of that whole Patriot Act thingy. And he was totally into caging.........oops. Wow. Did I say that out loud? My bad. But it's cool. It's just like a direct mail thing, right? Psh! Big whoop. And it's not like caging's a bad thing, right? I don't even know what it means.

R: Cookieface, you are so amazing and brave and superduper for sitting at the big table. We love you. We want to adopt you.

M: Thanks Unca Republican! Oh! Em! Gee! Can I add you to my MySpace?

R: This is nothing but a fishing expedition.

M: Fishing? Weeeeeeeeeee! I love fishing!! Can have some McNuggets?

D: Will you just answer some of our questions? Accurately?

M: You're not the boss of me! This chair hurts. My hiney's asleep. Do you hate me?

R: Point of order! We love you, Punkin!

M: Cool! What does "scripted" mean?

R: This is a circus without a cause!

M: Ooo! Ooo! I love the circus! Is Unca Sensenbrenner a clown? Can I honk his nose?
D: Who compiled the list of U.S. attorneys to be fired?

M: Kyle Sampson. He's a doodyhead. How many more minutes? It's time for my nap.

R: You're a kind and quiet girl, and now America can be proud of you like I am. Politics had nothing to do with any of this, right, good, quiet girl?

M: RIGHT, Unca Republican!

R: Good job. The entire Justice Department is innocent and you just proved it. Now let's get on with the people's work of defrauding America.

M: Yayyyys!

R: I am so impressed with you. You are so sincere and conscientious. We're honored by your presence. You're trying to make a better world for your fellow human beings. Will you be our honorary niece?

All Rs: Amen.

M: I rilly, rilly heart you, too, Unca Repbulicans! How's my makeup?

D: Final thoughts, Monica?

M: Kyle Sampson and Paul McNulty are weenies. God is good. I gotta go. Calllll meeeeeeeeeee! Oh, and Gonzo's a big ol' liar. But, like, he's rilly, rilly kind and nice and junk, but his nose is growiiiiiiiing! UH-oh for him!!! Gotta talk to my lawyer now. 'Kaybye.